How To Get Fat In College

 Oh, the dreaded "Freshman Fifteen." That thing nightmares are made out of. The friendly foe to so many new-to-college females. Imma just leave this here: You will gain weight in college.

[SPOILER ALERT]: Your body is not done growing and developing at the age of 17/18. Not looking like a 17 year-old for the rest of your life is certainly not the worst thing that can happen to you. When you go to college, you should look like you're in college. Gaining a few pounds isn't a bad thing.

But just because you gain a few pounds, doesn't mean you have to pack on fat. (Although a little extra weight might help you hibernate through winter finals while you post up in the library for two full weeks, something to think about).

Now if for whatever reason you're looking to bulk up your freshman year, the below tips are sure to not disappoint.

1. Eat when you're bored.
If you decide not to get involved in any organizations, you will have a LOT of free time in college. So you're going to get extremely bored. You'll run out of things to do. You'll be alone a lot. It's imperative that you spend this time eating in your dorm room. Eating is a great way to fill large free periods of time. Stock up on ramen, it is extremely high and sodium and easy to make. This will make you gain weight, I promise.

2. Always get dessert in the cafeteria.
Even though you more than likely did not grow up eating an ice cream cone and a fat slice of cheesecake after every single meal, the option is provided for you in your campus cafeteria, so it is very important that you take advantage of this. Eat the desserts because they are there, not because you really want them. Learn to never say "no" to the sweets.

3. Skip class.
Because going to class will require you to actually get up and move, you are best off just not going. A five to ten minute walk from your dorm room to your academic hall will burn a few calories, which is an absolute mustn't if you are trying to get fat.

4. Drink as little water as possible.
If you're thirsty, grab a soda. I know that can become expensive and that there are multiple hydration stations conveniently located throughout campus for quick, easy, and cold water bottle refills, but water is very good for you. Yes it is free, but part of staying healthy in college means staying hydrated. Do not be lured into the hydration stations. No matter how many plastic bottles it says it has saved the environment. I know it's fun to watch that digital counter tick up during your refill, but stay with me.

5. DO NOT USE THE BEAUTIFUL CAMPUS WELLNESS CENTER.
THIS ONE IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE. The campus has a beautiful wellness center with dozens of cardio machines and a wide variety of free weights and equipment that will burn fat and keep you fit. DO NOT LET THIS VAMPIRE SUCK YOU IN.

I hope this stuff helped you. Good luck, and God bless. See you in fifteen pounds.